20 seconds is way longer than i could ever imagine

for those (anne and baba, peeps, sara) who didn’t catch my talk20 presentation, here it is.

20 things i wish were true but know are not

Professional Lumberjack Paul Bunyan created Oregon’s Mt. Hood one night when he piled up rocks to put out his camp fire. He created the Grand Canyon by letting his ax drag behind him for a little bit in Arizona.

Due to the world wide surge of antidepressant use and their increased presence in ocean water via sewage run off the notoriously reclusive Collossus squid have overcome their existential crisis and emerged from the deep searching for deeper relationships and more meaningful human contact.

Chuck Norris’ tears actually do cure cancer. He visits people at night while they are sleeping and weeps over the afflicted. He says he might stop by Patrick swayze’s house but only if the Swayze stops smoking.

At one point in the history of the earth Pegasus’ and Unicorns coexisted, and cohabitated. They got busy together creating gods most perfect creature- the Unicorn Pegasus.

Unlike the Unicorn Pegasus, I am nothing like my parents.

That’s because my real parents are movie stars Montgomery Clift and Elizabeth Taylor who had Monty’s sperm frozen shortly before his death and put it to use as her seventh marriage dissolved. The unexpected emotional difficulty in raising the child of the gay man she secretly loved for years forced Liz to give me up to a childless couple from Massachusetts

In New York City, the Indian Deli on avenue A and 4th street, which boasts on it’s hand painted sign a selection of 400 beers from around the world, actually does have a selection of 400 beers from around the world.

Consuming copious amounts of scotch, cheap or expensive makes you way smarter.

It’s not who you are but what you wear. These for example clearly belong to a serious graduate student in a top notch fiber arts program.

Fashion designer Karl Largerfeld will live forever and never die and if he does die he will become the chicest ghost of all time.

My kittie boncuk was so beautiful that when she died she was energetically reincarnated as a tube of Mac Lipstick in the color Rage belonging to village voice style critic Lynn Yaeger, which totally makes me and Lynn soulmates.

The song Zeytin Gozulm, the source of a family nickname, was written specifically for me by the Turkish popstar Zeki Muhren.

My ancestors, ancient nomadic tribes people of the Asian steppe, are descended from wolves.

That is clearly why I am so light on my feet.

I
Cape Cod will never succumb to global warming and rising sea levels due to an secret underground system of self inflating floatation devices that innact with the push of a button from Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy

It is similar inflatable devices that make various Red Sox team members as big and puffy as they are. It is definitely not steroid use or any other performance enhancing anything.

The floatation devices are just another example of Yankee ingenuity and resourcefulness which clearly supports the fact that New Englanders do it better. There are also lobsters that big available at the stop and shop over in westford.

The other day when you went to the post office for stamps you also mailed me an insightful and eloquent love letter. The reason I never received it is obviously because it got lost in the mail.

I am, have always been, and will always be MAGIC.

thank you to cate and aaron ryba for putting the evening together. Spartanburg will host installment five sometime in the near future (this summer?) contact someone at hub-bub if you’d like to participate (knitting guild i am talking to you!)